I am sad.

Today I saw an ex-very-dear-friend-of-mine.  We used to be best buds..he was one of the first people I really made grown up friends with, and I thought we would be besties forever.  I was wrong.  I met someone else. 

This particular friend was the first of many casualties of my roller derby/beer/karaoke habit.  My friend and I would get together 2 or 3 nights a week to watch musicals, sing, cook dinner, and just pal and buddy around while my kids were playing their little kid games.  My grown-up time.  Then roller derby came along and swept me off my feet.  The time commitment was huge.  The after practice get togethers were fun.  The beer was cheap.  The karaoke was awesome.  My friend was left behind for my brand new hobby that came complete with brand new friends.

I tried to get him involved with roller derby, but it just wasn't his thing.  I tried to make plans around my practice schedule, but something always came up.  Eventually, it turned out he no longer had time for me, and he moved on.  I was so busy with my new life that I hardly noticed.

I saw him today, and for a second, I got really excited.  I wanted to run up to him and give him a huge hug and tell him about all the crazy things that have happened over the last 4 years.  I really miss him, and I wanted him to be happy to see me.  He saw me, but he just kind of blinked and turned the other way.  Not even a hello.  God. I. Am. The. Worst. Friend. Ever.

This is the worst feeling in the world.....to realize that you are a dirtbag piece of shit low life no good crap ass non-friend. 

The worst part is that he isn't the only person I did this to....I hope if you are reading this, you realize I'm talking to you, Squishy, and I'm sorry. 

I guess I don't know if I can ever make things right, but at the very least, I'm hopeful that this realization will keep me from making the same mistake in the future.  Friends are priceless, but you never really understand that value until you have none. 

 

Delusions of Mediocre

I keep turning on the windshield wipers in my car instead of the headlights.  I have repeated this annoying mistake countless times since I got my car out of the shop.  I realize it has been a few months since the van and I were together, but is that really long enough to completely forget where the light turn on-y thing is?  Maybe lack of sleep has left me completely unable to think and learn properly.  I haven't been sleeping well at all since my knee surgery, and I've noticed a few other things amiss in my everyday activities.  I've heard stories of new moms doing some pretty strange things when they are faced with sleep deprivation for the first time, but I'm a pro...with 4 kids, I haven't had a decent night's sleep in over 13 years...so why would it be affecting me so harshly all of a sudden?  I'm not sure, but here are some more wacky things I've done this week:

Tried to open my store with my house key.  Everyday I worked last week.

Fed the cats Cocoa Crispies instead of cat food. 

Maybe it was fed the kids cat food instead of Cocoa Crispies.  Not too clear on which.

Left 3 or 4 people on hold at work, completely forgotten.  Until they called back angry on line 2.

Had a daydream about the new Zombie Apocolypse birthday party option at Chuck E. Cheese.  ???

I'm sure there are a few more goodies I could add, but these are the highlights.  Perhaps it's time I broke down and asked the Doc for that Ambien prescription.  For the kids' sakes.  Or the cats.  Can't remember which. 

Props where props are due...

I met this amazing lady last fall while working at the Renaissance Festival who is truly an inspiration to me.  She has a beautiful family, a charming personality, and she uses everyday stuff to create something wonderful for the whole world to enjoy.  When I grow up, I want to be just like her...except have more kids and make different stuff...but otherwise just like her.  Without the red hair, of course.  Oh, and with a different husband....or several....and live on my baby-daddy farm (another story for later). 

Well, anyway, she rocks, and she is creative, and I love her stuff.  I mean it.  You can love it, too.  Just check it out!!

freckletree

Here are a couple of her selections....some of my favoritests!

Every little one needs a Hoot Hat!  I know of  4 kids in particular that have been begging for them incessantly since November.  Now, off to facebook to like her Freckletree facebook fanpage and then etsy to buy her beautiful work! 

Denial

I'm Awesome.

I can do anything.  I have had four children.  I have played roller derby.  I have written essays and term papers with favorable results.  I can manage a team.  I can knit and sew.  I can play the flute. 

I keep reminding myself of all these things as I struggle to accomplish one of the most basic human tasks.

Walking.

I can't walk. 

Well, ok...I can walk, but it's damn hard.  It hurts, too.

Like a cajillion (yes, that's my made up word...back off) other people in the world, I had an ACL replacement on Wednesday.  The Anterior Cruciate Ligament is a tricky little bugger that criss-crosses on the inside of your knee, giving it stability and strength.  It's one of the most common knee injuries, because for some really dumb reason it just decides one day, no matter how long you've been playing sports or training or not doing any of those things, it's going to rip in two.  Then, if you're lucky, your knee will be weak, but you'll retain some kind of functionality.  If you're unlucky, like I am, you'll feel like you dislocate your knee every few steps, and you'll need surgery.

So, the feeling that your knee is dislocating when you walk and the ensuing pain and agony and limping apparently aren't enough for some to deem this as a necessary surgery.  Luckily, the people at my insurance company do, but I've had many people ask me why I chose to have this surgery, or why don't I put it off until later, or why this or why that.  Well, why don't you tear your ACL and then ask me that question?  Oh, you did?  Well, good for you...and go fuck yourself, too...this is MY life.  I obviously felt like this was a necessary surgery, and I'm willing to accept the pain and dedication that my rehabilitation will take.  Mind you, none of that means I'm going to sit and silently accept the pain like a champ and pretend like nothing happened.

THIS SHIT HURTS!!!

I'M A BIG BABY AND I NEED MY MOMMY!

I will also knee in the balls the next asshole that says I brought this on myself!  (titty twisters, slap upside the head: pick your pain) 

I'm only a few days post-op and I'm already back at work, driving, trying to walk on it a little.  I'm trying to show everyone that i'm tough and strong and I can do anything, but sometimes I just want to cry and whine. Is it too much to expect a little bit of sympathy?  From most people, no...but there are quite a few tough customers out there. 

I'm just wondering, what would the reaction have been if I'd had a boob job?