Now that I have a WHOPPING 4 followers (ok 3, I'm actually following myself), I think I owe it to my devoted fans to write a shiny, new blog. This one is all about cheese, possibly bacon, and how it all seems to follow my ass around.
Since my surgery in March, I have been working toward a goal of getting back on skates, and once again, becoming an upstanding citizen of roller derby. I have been through physical therapy, training at home, jogging, walking, hopping, skipping, anything I can do to strengthen my leg to it's former glory. So far, this has been going well, and I had hoped, as I'm sure others hope, that a side effect of all my effort may be some rewarding weight loss. This, however, IS NOT SO.
I don't drink sodas on the regular anymore, I drink water. I cut WAY back on the bacon and cheese. Lots of leafy greens. Fresh veggies from my own garden. Lean meats in moderation. The occasional reward of a tiny morsel of sweetness. I track calories, I keep a log of my exercise, and by all calculations, I should weigh about 145 pounds. Once again, THIS IS NOT SO.
While I am still weighing in under my pre-last-baby weight, I'm still sporting quite few extra pounds, particularly in the everywhere region. I find this to be the toughest region to drop weight from. I'm not sure where the sabotage to my diet is happening. Do I sleepwalk to the fridge in the middle of the night for cheese and bacon? It's possible. I've done stranger things. I think a more plausible explanation is that alien life forms are using my body for experiments, like putting high-calorie supplements in my water bottles and lite salad dressings to see if the resulting weight gain creates stress and confusion in the average working-class adult female.
Well, Alien Life Forms, the answer to that question is a resounding YES!!! So stop your crazy experiments and let me get back to my skinny jeans.
Ok, I've never had skinny jeans. I just want single digit jeans.
AND Why is my 'a' key sticking?!? It's infuriating.
Back to the cheese and bacon I promised. These foods can be a healthy and delicious addition to any diet when taken in moderation. WHO THE FUCK HAS THAT KIND OF WILLPOWER? Cheese and bacon are fucking delicious. You can't just eat one strip of bacon or one ounce of cheese. Why do they even offer these up as serving sizes? It's complete BULLSHIT. On the package, it should say:
Bacon. Serving size, 1 pound. You will die of a heart attack, lard ass, but you'll die happy. 1500 calories, a literal assload of fat.
Cheese. Serving size, 1 block. Add crackers. Blocks up your colon and gives you wicked gas, but it's so creamy and delicious! 2000 calories, fatty.
At least this approach doesn't fool you into thinking that these foods are going to help you achieve anything other than an ass as glorious as my own.
Excuse me, now. I feel an otherworldly compulsion to make a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich. Adieu.
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