what the hell?

I'm feeling quite selfish at the moment, and more than a little angry with myself for letting my life get into the tangled state of affairs that it is.  I've sacrificed everything I wanted for myself in order to keep the peace and to try to salvage what was left of my marriage and family.  I gave up many things that brought me solace and hope to focus on what was supposed to be important.  I tried to be grateful.  I tried to be thoughtful and helpful.  I hoped it would make a difference and that my life would feel more meaningful and fulfilled. 

So it turns out that all this is bullshit.  Of course, my children come first, and every breath I take is for them and their happiness, but all the other things: the house, the car, the job, the money, the whatever, is completely useless when you are fucking miserable.  So now, the kids notice that I'm unhappy.  My friends don't want to hang out with me anymore because I'm such a downer.  Even my cat hates me. 

How do you find the time to remake your life with four children, one full time and one part time job, bills to pay, obligations to honor, and a complete lack of money and energy?  Where do you start?  I fucked it all up.  I tried to fix it, but it's too broken, and now I need to start over...but where, and how?

My kids are all I have right now, and I can't lay all this on them.  I really just need someone who will sit with me, listen to my sob shit story, tell me to stop whining and be a big girl, possibly slap me upside the head, then give me a hug and tell me it will all be ok.  It will be ok.....won't it?